In 1983 I fell in love with Lloyd Brown.
We met at church. The first time I saw him, he was singing and tapping his leg with an extremely joyful demeanor. We ran into each other a couple of more times before he officially asked me out on a date. I was completely taken by his happiness.
He always seemed to have the right answers for every situation, and he deeply cared for other people. I fell in love with his joyful and caring spirit, his ability to laugh at almost everything, and his ability to make people smile. His faith was deep, and is still so to this very day.
We married in September, 1983 and began our life. When I first met Lloyd he was a teacher, but was taking a break from that at the time. Eventually he became a youth minister and we began what would become a focal point for both of us over the years…ministry to youth. In 1986 we had our first child, a son. In 1990 we had our second child, a daughter. Eventually Lloyd went back into education and got his Masters Degree in Behavioral Disorders. He went on to get his Specialist Degree in Administration. He was a soccer coach for 16 years and loved every minute of it. His players think he hung the moon, and many who have graduated and are now adults continue to stay in touch with him.
In 2009 Lloyd began to struggle with anemia. We were stunned when blood work revealed that he had low iron - and it was dangerously low. We couldn’t understand how he was able to function in life with his iron being so low. After much testing to rule out a serious illness we put him on a good supplement and his iron levels began to rise. We later realized that his adrenal glands were functioning overtime in order to keep up with the constant stress of his job, and everyday life. Even with the anemia he continued to work and not complain.
In August of 2010, Lloyd went back to work and never complained that he wasn’t feeling well. This time, it was worse but he kept pushing forward. Just before the Christmas break, he was having a full blown meltdown...but had no idea why or what was happening to him. He took a medical leave from work.
We went to our doctor in December and he told us he would put Lloyd through many tests to determine a diagnosis…but, he felt very certain the diagnosis would be Bipolar Illness.
I immediately looked at the doctor and said “There is no way he has that…he is ALWAYS HAPPY…NEVER DOWN!” The doctor said “Exactly…no one can function like that 24/7 and he has done it his whole life.” 57 years to be exact. My head was spinning and the fear of the unknown was almost more than I could stand.
The very reason I fell in love with this man…his unceasing joy, his upbeat attitude and his ability to keep-on-keeping-on was now being diagnosed as Bipolar Illness. Lloyd had learned to cycle his “mania” from event to event until anemia and work-related stress triggered the Bipolar episode he had in December 2010.
With major support from family, friends, our church, incredible counseling and many doctor appointments, Lloyd did receive the diagnosis of Bipolar illness.
The medication he was prescribed showed positive results. It has been remarkable. Of course...there are still bad days, and there will be...but, he is still the joyful man he has always been and our relationship is even stronger.
As his spouse, I have covered every emotion…sadness, anger, un-forgiveness, denial, grief, etc. I was angry at Lloyd and had to finally forgive him for not telling me how he was feeling mentally and physically. I felt I could have intervened and taken him to the doctor before disaster took place. The Bipolar was going to come out eventually, and it most certainly did.
This is a new road for me, one that I have been hesitant to embrace. I am a fixer and not being able to “fix” this whole situation was a blow to me. That is where my faith has kicked in and I trust God for the past, the present, and the future. I have come to realize that 1 in 50 people suffer with Bipolar Illness. It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, what gender you are, or what race…anyone can be affected by this illness. I have come to personally see the stigma associated with it. With every person who struggles with this illness, there is a family behind them struggling as well. Just to have someone to talk to makes all the difference in the world.
We move forward with the desire that this new journey we find ourselves on will become a source of hope for many…a place to vent, to express, to share ideas, to encourage, and to provide information. A place to breathe.
With the love of God, and our family and friends…I (we) can finally breathe again.
It feels good to be able to come up for air.
- Renee Brown
